You've tried to change it. You've told yourself you'd respond differently next time. And somehow next time arrives and you're in the same place. This isn't a willpower problem — it's a narrative problem.

Loss has a way of stripping away who you thought you were. When my marriage ended after almost 25 years, I didn't just lose a relationship—I lost the version of myself that existed in that relationship. When I was let go from the ministry leadership position I'd held for a decade, I didn't just lose a job—I lost the professional identity that had organized my days and defined my mission.

Looking back, I can see that the worst points in my adult life came after losing roles I'd tied my identity to. The end of my marriage felt like I'd failed as a person. Being let go from a job felt like I'd failed as a person. Losing a role felt like losing my sense of self.